SO SAYETH THE TELEPROMPTER
BONUSES ARE EXPENSIVE, BUT THAT'S OK, TALK IS CHEAP
Kyle Smith, March 22, 2009
A reading from the Book of Barack, 3:22:09.
And the Word was heard from above.
America, my flock, my followers, my enthusiasts and aficionados.
This is thine president, thine one true president. Hark and behold my words, for let it be said that I am very good at this job.
The times we live in are times of storm, and strife. Of hurt, and pain. It is a time when even I must humble and prostrate myself, to consult an authority of wisdom and insight. I speak of the Book of Roget. The Day of the Synonym has come to pass.
It is vital that I double my words, so that I might speak in double talk. Thou shouldst heed my speech, but not too closely. Attend to the measured cadences and prose poetry, not the trifles of substance. For substance is the curse of lesser mortals.The hour is upon us for the AIG bonuses to be denounced. When the knowledge was loosed upon the land that the false prophets of finance had enriched themselves with the false profits of bailout money, I was and I'd like to thank President Obama for welcoming me here from Dublin.
Excuse me, the Teleprompter just broke.
One minute, please.
Thank you for your patience.
Okay, it's back on.
Getting back into character.
(And the Voice did grow most wond'rously sonorous and urgent.)
I was angered, and disturbed. I was surprised, and shocked.
The masters and lords of AIG have become like unto pharaohs, and the people who toil in the valleys of the taxpayer are like unto the Israelites who are building for these pharaohs Jacuzzis and Gulfstreams.
Now it is who point the righteous finger of blame. It is I who call out, "J'accuzzi!"
I castigate AIG for this decision, which I signed off on. Mine Apostle Geithner did approve the bonuses, but with great reluctance in his heart. Now there is great reluctance, across this fair land, to believe I know what I'm doing.
So I ask my faithful flock of Democrats in Congress to join hands with me in toiling to eradicate this scourge and pestilence from the land, as soon as they have cashed their campaign checks from AIG.
I wouldst ask thou to smite from thine memory the $100,000 in AIG checks I cashed long ago.
For today I am enraged and outraged at the bonus payments, which were for favors exchanged and prearranged.
I say onto my disciple Christopher Dodd that he has strayed and betrayed. For it was he who welcomed the moneychangers into the temple of government. Yea, he did rend and blaspheme the passage in the Book of Stimulus that did decree no big bucks for bailout Beelzebubs.
I shall pursue every possible legal angle to stamp the wrath of nullification on these contracts, which were legal and binding.
I vow to stop payment on these checks, which have already been cashed and deposited.
Sordid sinners shall not prosper. I will change the AIG wine back into water. I will change the golden calf back into lowly peasant beef, of the Arby's grade. I will summon the power of IRS transubstantiation, call forth the redemptive force of 100 percent taxation of the bonuses. Though mine own disciple Charlie Rangel questions how the thing canst legally be done.
The shadows grow long. I have time for only a few more words to deliver forth onto the land, because in these days of tribulation and despair I am a busy President who must journey to the land of ESPN to fill out my tournament bracket. Then shall I till the comedy fields in the land of Leno.
I speak unto American business, to the corporations that were laid low, who came wandering desperately across the desert of bankruptcy, like unto Joseph and Mary coming into Bethlehem asking only for a suite at the Four Seasons. I say onto them and the bounties that bless them after a day's toil: Be fruitful, and multiply, but this is ridonkulous.